Recently, I was scolded for exercising “bad planning” in preparing to have a second child while my first would soon be entering his “terrible twos”.
“Who says they have to be terrible?” I asked.
The person on the other end of the line gave a quick laugh and then exclaimed that I had no clue what I was getting myself into.Well maybe I don’t have a clue, but I still stand by my question.
“Terrible
twos”, “ferocious fours”, “teen drama queens”, and “impossible children
eating us out of house and home”. With all the horror stories and
negative nicknames that parents spread around the block, it’s no wonder
that less and less people want to start families. But it doesn’t have to
be this way. Instead, we can choose to stay positive and focus on the
good.
Staying
positive doesn’t mean being unrealistic or blind to the challenges that
parenting can bring. After all, Allah, subhana wa ta ala, does tell us
in the Qur’an that our children will be a trial for us.
“Your
wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas Allah – with Him
lies a great reward.” - translation of Surah at-Taghaabun, ayah 15.
But Allah also tells us that with every hardship comes ease.
“Verily along with every hardship is relief.” - translation of Surah Ash-Sharh, ayah 5
And time and time again, Islam teaches us that there can be great rewards in raising our children.
“And
those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith, to them
shall We join their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of
their deeds in anything. Every person is a pledge for that which he has
earned.” –translation of Surah at-Tur, ayah 21
“When
the son of Adam dies, his (good) deeds come to an end except for three:
a recurring charity, a knowledge that is beneficial or a righteous
child that supplicates for him.” –recorded in Sahih Muslim
“Indeed
a man may ascend a level in Paradise and ask: ‘How did this happen?’ So
it will be said to him: ‘By your child’s asking forgiveness for you.’”
–recorded in Ahmad and Ibn Majah
It
seems to me that the potential for good in our relationships with our
children far outweighs the little bad we may face along the way. So why
does negativity still reign?
The
way I see it, our children and/or teens are bound to get emotional,
throw some tantrums, be stubborn, and maybe even blatantly defy us. But
let’s face it: adults can (and often do) act the exact same way. So
what’s the point of allowing our entire day to be ruined because our
child does it?
I’m
not advocating that we ignore bad actions or behavior, but I am
advocating that we don’t allow them to define the relationships we have
with our children.
Children
mirror the behavior, actions and outlooks of their parents. If we wake
up every day believing that our children are going to be terrible and
treat them as if everything they do is terrible, what incentive will
they have to be anything more than terrible?
In
contrast, imagine if we were to wake up every day being positive. What
if every day we believed that our children were capable of good and
rewarded them for all the good that they do? Wouldn’t this then
encourage them to continue doing good down the line?
Wouldn’t
it just feel better if at the end of your day, you could sit back,
reflect and praise Allah for all the good that he put into your children
instead of going to bed angry and stressed over the little bad that may
have happened?
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